This is the big push for most retailers. They make or break their sales figures between now and Christmas. This hysterically stressful gi-normous push must explain the idiotic ad copy I have been reading in magazines. Granted mostly airline magazines which of course are heavy with perfume, candy and gadgets. The fact that I have had to resort to this level of mile-high diversion is because the book I am currently reading is about 3″ thick and did not make the carry-on baggage triage.

Here’s a little gift item, blue chocolate covered blueberries, Bluez Hydriate (because even if we hate France politically, French sounding names can garner higher prices: Avion, Yoplait case in point). The ad copy reads, “These moist dried berries are covered in milk chocolate.” Whoa. Back up. These moist dried berries? Which is it? Guess the guys down in marketing did a Focus Group and found out people who buy $10 boxes of candies don’t like the idea of eating shriveled up blueberries. And not only are these “rare exotic delicacies” (which you can find growing wild in fields anywhere from Canada to the Mason-Dixon line) covered in chocolate, they come in (drum roll please) “a savory tin”. What the what? Okay, if you are a billy goat I can see why a Currier and Ives 6″ tin might appeal to the eye. But for me and my household, we’ll stick to the chocolates inside.

And if you are someone who changes their $300 perfume as often as you change your $500 designer underwear, or if you delight in dousing yourself in noxious fragrance and stepping into a crowded elevator with 25 floors to go, just to be noticed…you are in luck. This year all the big perfume players announced they are offering florals from a garden. (So that’s where flowers grow?). In fact, one high end ‘parfum’ vendor notes that while their bottle art does feature a poppy, poppies have no fragrance at all. So the scientists in the back room with the “NOSE” (the person who decides if we will swoon or puke) created a vanilla, lilac and violet scent. This, I assume, is exactly what a poppy would smell like, if alas, a poppy could exude even the faintest odor. A moment of silence to lament the poor poppy and the dip-wad who designed a bottle using a flower with no fragrance. Oops, sounds like a highly paid yuppie designer just joined the 99%,,,good luck getting another job.

Meanwhile back in the Northwest everyone is talking about buying locally from small shops this Holiday season. Buy hand knit caps, hand carved candlesticks and eat home made ice cream. Why just the other day I heard a radio ad touting the value of buying locally from small businesses. It was by American Express.

And I would be remiss this season if I didn’t mention the TV ads. A new all time low features small girls talking about what they will be when the grow up. “I want to be an astronaut, a baker, a ballerina…because she said I can.” She? Angelou, Meir, Ride, Bhutto? Nope, Barbie.

Seriously do these advertisers think we are all morons? Apparently so.