May is a lovely month, at least we can hope. April wreaked holy havoc on the south with tornadoes, death and destruction. Did I mention softball size hail? We all know that tornadoes eat mobile homes for lunch. But hail might be the only weather in which it is good to own a mobile-mansion. Think of it, you can drive right into that storm, total your house, pay off the mortgage and maybe clear a profit.

I think it was Willie Nelson who was once on a road tour and got a call that his house was on fire and said something like, “for goodness sake pull the old pick-up into the garage.” It’s not that I am promoting insurance fraud…it’s just that I was wondering how you start a hail storm.

In case you are steeped in humiliation, silently wondering  if you are the only one whose butt is getting chewed up in this recession, the answer is, “NO!” I have to confess I am one of the many folks who are near homeless while owning hundreds of thousands of dollars in real estate. House rich, cash poor that’s me. (The good news is I can drive past my assets and wave a tootle-loo. In fact, I can moon my assets, vacant houses rarely call the cops.)

But I have a solution to my woos. I am going to write a book and make millions of dollars. And anyone can do this, it’s as easy as playing the Lottery (and losing). I took a course which I paid $2,500 for (on credit, duh!). I learned that I have to offer a solution for a problem that is plaguing our country.  And I have a dozy!

Here’s the problem, some of you are solvent, living within your means and have no credit card debt. You just aren’t trying hard enough. I am ashamed at some of you, paying cash on the barrel head and walking in the park instead of the mall. There is even a cult of people who call themselves minimalist. The nerve, do they want the wealthy only-child population in China to go starving again?

So I am going to write a book, “101  Ways how to lose money, stay in debt and fry that nest egg!” It will include my secrets on selling homes at a loss, buying condos for residual income that only allow renters who would not be caught dead living in my neighborhood and that old standby–putting my money into a savings account that actually charges me to save. This is going to be BIG, ur um, well, maybe or maybe not. (I think someone has been leaking my tips to the press).